Sunday Reflections: Individuality in Marriage

Sunday, March 27, 2011

(image via)

Scott and I just got back from a whirlwind weekend trip to the exotic Rexburg, Idaho. I don't miss Rexburg, but I do miss my friends who live there. A lot. I accomplished everything I wanted/needed which mostly consisted of seeing people I love and spending time with my beautiful bride-t0-be friend.

When some people we were visiting found out I was spending time with my girlfriends at showers, clothing stores and restaurants, they couldn't help but inquire:

"What's Scott going to do?"

This question kind of comically threw me off guard. I don't know what Scott's going to do... he's a grown man. Was I supposed to plan arts and crafts activities to keep him entertained? Was I supposed to worry about him sitting in some dark, lonely place anxiously waiting my return? I say all of this with a smile, as these are the images that ran through my mind when the question was asked. I know that really, the people asking were just inquiring about his plans. But I honestly DID NOT KNOW what Scott was going to do while I was gone.

When I went to my friend's bridal shower, we were asked to write down our "recipe for marriage" as advice for the bride. I ended saying something like this:

"Once all ingredients are mixed together, be careful not over-stir. You are still an individual with your own hobbies and interests."

Do you know couples that "over-stir?" Couples that are so obsessed with each other that they lose their hobbies and passions because their hobby and passion becomes their spouse? I'm not saying this is a horrible way to live if this is what you choose, but Scott and I never really went through this phase. He has always been very supportive of me and what I choose to do with my free time, and I in turn am glad that he has kept up on the things that interest him. I feel like we avoided that "I-got-married-and-now-I-don't-know-who-I-am"-crisis. Not that we tried to, just that we did. And not that people who don't are horrible or something, just that we couldn't ever be that way.

I like our differences. I like how into March Madness Scott gets. I like that he knows how to screen-print. I like that he knows random stats and facts about the world.
If I demanded that Scott only do things with me that I could do too, Scott would be a different person. He would be me. A really, really, boring version of me. I'd much rather have a man that can play the guitar than a man that would rather just cuddle and watch movies because I cannot for the life of me figure out the F chord.

Turns out Scott hung out with his guy friends and watched basketball, went to Taco Bell and saw an improv show on campus. Quite the opposite of what I did this weekend, but when we got back together at the end of the day, we loved each other the same.


  1. You are so cute. This is the advice I have been trying to tell my friends for years. So many guys have tried to make me stop hanging with my friends or doing what I love so that they can have me to themselves, and it has caused more than one fight...when you loose who you are and stop doing what you love, you loose part of yourself and it can do more harm than good in the long run. I will never stop being me because someone else doesnt like it. Couples going through therapy often are coached to get back into the things they love, and support the other even if its completely different than what they like. This is a very insightful little read Carrie:) My mom always said, "have a life in your own back pocket." To bad she didnt follow her own advice lol!

  2. i love this! i absolutely had a newlywed crisis for a while and started to feel a very big hole in my heart where girlfriends and hobbies should have been. i felt guilty for a long time because it seemed like maybe i was feeling like david wasn't enough...which is just not true. david is more than enough, but he's not EVERYTHING (ok, he is "my everything"...whatever, you get it, haha). but finding the balance has been SO GOOD for us. i remember why i fell in love with him--because he has all these hobbies that make his personality different from mine. love this post.

  3. Chirspseed: Thanks for your comment and you write like we know each other but your profile is closed. Who you be?

  4. i love this!!! you are so still gotta be you...even with your spouse! Thanks for the awesome reminder. By the way...congrats!!! I'm so excited for you and Scott and the little one!!! I truly miss you and hope all is well! Tell Scott hi! Take care!

  5. agreed. i loved this post.

  6. So good. I think it is highly important to keep your individuality in a marriage/relationship


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