I really do know people who, when I knock on their doors at random hours of the day, really do have a clean house. As in, it's clean all the time. Like, c'mon in kind of clean. That baffles me.
I know people who when you ask them how they are doing, they say "fine." Yeah, we all know people like that, but I know people who are sincerely fine. Forever fine. Happy, content, not too upset, not too excited.
Fine.
Isn't that crazy? But, isn't that what people in this world are always searching for? A sense of "fineness?" I know people who have seemed to reach that. They are great, loving people who I respect. However, I feel absolutely insane when I'm around them. And I'm not insane. I consider myself a pretty typical person. A little dramatic and passionate? Sure.
I've tried being fine. Even had fleeting thoughts about taking medication that would make me fine. That's how crazy I felt being around fine people. But fine is boring.
I don't think I ever want to be fine. I think I want to always be too upset or too excited. I don't think I will ever be able to stop talking about how much pornography bugs me. I don't think I will ever be able to keep my mouth shut when the ending of The Hunger Games comes up. I have given into the fact, that, everyday, I find my daughter to be the most beautiful person I have ever seen and I don't care who knows it. I have resigned to my behavior to ignore piles of laundry and go to the park with her for hours- wishing that the chores would disappear. I will always dream. I will always react hostile to anyone who tells me not to.
I will never be fine. I was not meant to be fine.
And that is how I will change the world.
"I think it's better to feel too much than not enough." --Bandits
ReplyDeleteSo why does the ending bug you so much? I really liked it, but I am also really curious as to why it bugged you. Especially after talking to you yesterday when I barely mentioned about it. Ha. I want to hear about it, truly!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you. I hate the lack of transparency. It's like sharing your real feelings is a bad thing or something. And I'm with you about pornography. Utterly ABHOR it. :(
ReplyDelete*SPOILER*
ReplyDeleteThe ending bugs me because:
Peeta went through so much worse than Katniss. He lost his entire family in one bombing, was hijacked, and led on ruthlessly by the person he loved. I wanted Peeta to find someone who loved him.
Katniss went home, sat all crazy in her house and waited for someone to show up. If it had been Gale, she would have "picked" him. She never chose Peeta. That drives me crazy. And sure, she "eventually" comes to understand why it had to be Peeta, but I don't believe she would have come to the same conclusion had Gale been the one to show up. I just felt bad for Peeta through the whole series, and I don't think he got enough redemption in the end.
SPOILER
ReplyDeleteOh I see where it bugs you! I kind of had a different impression- I read it more as Katniss didn't know what she felt, but when Peeta was captured it was becoming more apparent that she loved him most. I got the impression she was starting to realized she loved him most, especially when she sees him at the hospital and realizes what she has lost. Gale started to creep me out, and I think his extreme ideas were starting to get to her too. Or maybe that was me wanting it to be that way. Remember at the end when Gale tries to see if it could ever work out, and she basically tells him she could never get over what he's done and basically who he has become? That was when I thought she chose peeta. Hm... it could have been different. It's so funny how the same book can be read and felt so differently about! I wonder how the movie will portray it. Are you going to the movie?
Yes! I just bought tickets for Saturday- it's a surprise for Scott... unless he reads my blog today and all the comments...
ReplyDeleteI get your point, but I don't think she "chose" Peeta ever. Sure, she felt sad she couldn't have him (which she felt for Gale a few times), but it was kind of a "that sucks, I lost both of them" attitude. She didn't fight for Peeta. But, she was probably tired of fighting. From the very start she says she doesn't want to love anyone because she doesn't want them taken from her. But seriously. Man up and tell him you love him at some point. He deserved that much.
I don't think you can be "fine' even if you tried. That is why we are friends.
ReplyDeleteAlso, we can talk all day about how awful pornography is. IT would be one long day of us agreeing with each other. Lets.
Am I reading this right? That you assert that you cannot both have a clean house and be a fundamentally interesting person?
ReplyDeleteFull disclosure: my apartment is usually tidy.
Tidy is one thing, Val. Immaculate with multiple kids is another. Immaculate with mulitple kids all the time.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, you can be interesting and a clean freak. Being a clean freak is interesting. But not when you have no other opinions besides your cleaning schedule. And trust me, as much as I pry that's about all I can get out of who I was talking about.
This is so beautiful :)
ReplyDeleteTo me, transparency is the most beautiful characteristic of all. And "fine" is hardly a life of adventure.
oh, and don't even get me STARTED on the ending of the hunger games. I'll rant right along with you!
I just love you. Well we both know you weren't talking about me because I don't think I've EVER had anyone walk into my house and catch it in an immaculate state... I went around saying "fine thanks" to people's "how are you?" for a long time. It bugged me a little to brush them off. But I finally realized they weren't really asking me -it was more of a greeting. When I started telling people how I really was they didn't know what to do with it. Go figure.
ReplyDeleteI love this! I am crazy psycho about keeping our home perfect, but it's just impossible for me during early pregnancy. So, I am totally with you on the piles of laundry (and toys and blankets and pillows, too) taking over my house right now. Cause I would much rather hug on my babe and sleep than work on those piles right now... but it kinda feels like a dirty secret that my house is a mess. Ha!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I just read your comments about Peeta and I mostly agree, except that I think she always would have ended up with Peeta, even if Gale had come back. I never really thought she went with Gale, though, so maybe that's why. BUT. I completely agree with everything else. I think it's just a ridiculous trend in YA literature right now for a girl to be kinda, sorta, or extremely caught up between two guys and, at the end, she ends up with the one who has put in a huge amount of effort, even though she's barely put anything into the relationship besides, "Well, I'm not sure I like you today..." That's just not how it works in real life, y'know? There's got to be plenty of effort on both sides!
ReplyDeleteAnyway. Tangent. Hope you're doing well!!
I agree with almost everything you said, Lissa! If anything, in real life, the girls are the ones putting in tons of effort, and the teenage boys are deciding if they like them that day or not. And yes, I do like Katniss. I rooted for her all the way through. Towards the end, though, I kind of got sick of her. I hate reluctant heroes in books. There are too many in life. I wanted a Harry Potter hero- one who says: "I hate that I'm put in this situation but I'm determined to fight not only so I can get out of it, but also for the good of all."
ReplyDeleteI have since seen the movie too. I don't think they could have made it any better and I loved it. If you didn't read the books, though, you wouldn't know how much of Katniss' thought process revolves around everyone but herself through the first installment.