You know, it's interesting. This semester has been the easiest for me, academically speaking.
I have had very little homework and although I have multiple tests coming up, I am calm when
I think about them. This is my last semester of school work. After this, I will have 8 months of
internships and then I will be handed a Bachelor's of Social Work, a handshake, and a
"good luck" before heading off to the intimidating world of helping those who need it.
This semester so far has been both the easiest and the HARDEST semester of my college
career. Everyday feel emotionally draining as we talk about every elephant in every room in
my diversity class. I cry when I think too long about the book we had to read for child welfare.
I get flustered and intimidated when someone even MENTIONS the mental health field. I
haven't even graduated, and I'm already terrified.
It's no secret to those in my program that I have this anxiety. My biggest fear is that I'm going
to make one big, ignorant mistake and be stripped of my license. My heart starts racing just
thinking about talking to a child about an abuse situation or helping a schizophrenic stay on
medication. I don't want to do it wrong.
And do you know why?
That's why. I am so full of this stuff, it can physically hurt me. I feel everything. It's exhausting.
And I get nervous because, if I'm having a hard time controlling my feelings now, just wait until
I'm faced with real issues. What am I going to do then?
This has been wearing on me. I have this gnawing in my gut that says
" just how do you expect to do this, Carrie Lynn?"
I'll tell you.
I love people so much. Just thinking about it as I write this brings tears to my eyes. I want to
save the world and tell them that someone loves them! I am capable of staying calm and being
the person that I will help need me to be. Because I have to. Because I love them. And if I don't
do it, who's going to? If I don't lift up the hands that hang down who will? It's too dangerous to
assume that someone else will do it.
"Sorry, baby in the dirty diaper covered in cockroaches in the dark, bedroom closet. It was just
too hard for me."
No. I already love my future clients too much to give up on them before I even get out of the
social work program.
My passionate soul is exhausting, but it is also energizing. It gives me anguish, but it gives me
the greatest joy. It makes the most irritating wife, but it also makes me a fierce lover. It makes
me a over-protective friend, but it makes me the best friend you'll ever have.
When it comes to my future career, I think it will be a weakness at times, but it will also be my
greatest tool. At least, that's what I'm trying to shape it into.
"Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping...waiting...and though unwanted, unbidden... it will stir.
Open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us, guides us- passion rules us all, and we obey.
What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments.
The joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief.
It hurts sometimes more than we can bear.
If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow; empty rooms shuttered and dank.
Without passion we'd be truly dead."