I think I may have mentioned earlier that I have been re-casted to play Lady Macduff in Macbeth this semester. And I really am excited about it. Really.
I went to rehearsal last night to set the one scene I have that includes three murders dragging a dead body into Lady Macduff's house, surrounding her and her children, tearing her children from her arms, and murdering them in front of her. Then Lady Macduff runs into the arms of Macbeth (who she thinks will save her), who then stabs her in her pregnant stomach. Twice.
Like I said, I was really excited to do this scene. To show how truly evil Macbeth became. But while blocking everything out, I really started to have a hard time. That's never really happened to me before. I knew that there was a certain wall that I would have to break through, emotionally, that I have never broken through before. My own children being killed? I tried my best to cover up my refusal to face some very scary "could-be" emotions, but the directors didn't buy it. I didn't buy it. My screams were the same when the children were ripped from me as they were when I saw them killed. That's not real. That's insecurity. Which is what I currently have about this character. Because it's hard. It's hard because I wish Lady Macduff DID something horrible. I wish she killed a person or said a swear word. But she does NOTHING WRONG. So this horrible thing happens to her just like it's happened to other innocent people. Just like it COULD happen to me, or someone I love. And admitting that and the portraying that is a hard place to go.
I was very emotional when I left rehearsal. I bawled all the way home, and did a lot of praying. Because I think the message of Macbeth is important. I want the audience to understand that sin always leads to sin, and when we turn from God, none of us are incapable of slaughtering a family and that's why it's so important to stay close to the spirit. If "fear of God" isn't helping the audience to repent, maybe the fear of what they can become will.
So I will rehearse. And somehow, I will "go there" and the play will be great. But as for right now, I'm trying to replace my fears with faith.