Dear Anna,

Monday, May 19, 2008

So it's Saturday night (well, technically it's Sunday morning because it's 1am- but one of my pet peeves is when people make a big deal of what day it REALLY is) and I'm writing you because I'm having a really intense 'i-miss-anna-as-if-my-right-hand-was-cut-off' moment.
The steps leading up to this aren't even that huge.
I feel like Jessica is mad at me because everytime i make an effort to hang out with her she finds a way around it and her text messages are seriously lacking the word 'boo' and 'princess' in them. She has a best friend. His name is Andrew. Her husband.
Meanwhile, there's the teensiest bit of drama between Mandy and Nathan. Mandy loves Nathan, Nathan sees Mandy in the friend zone but loves her still. Mandy was talking to me about this and said: 'Yeah- but I know a lot about some stuff Nathan is going through...' all ambiguous like. I pry a little and she shrugs, irritated. 'It's family stuff he doesn't really want many people to know about so you'll have to ask him.' cool. What am i supposed to say? 'Hey Nathan- heard you don't trust me enough to talk to me about your real issues.' So Mandy and Nathan. BFF. Cute.
I have this good good great friend, Ryan Guptill. He's an Elder from my mission that came home with me. Amazing guy- like i told him he should clone himself and give us each a copy. The kind of guy that talks about books and movies and plays lacrosse and pulls out your chair. I feel like I could tell him anything. He expresses to me tonight that I am one of his closest friends. He then continues as thus:
"So Anna is pretty amazing huh?''
"Yeah- of course she is. You'll like her better than me. I like her better than me''
"Oh come now, Carrie. Do you think she would date me when she gets home?"
... how do i even respond to that? I just kind of sat there.
"Am I her type?''
"Anna and I don't have types"
He saw your picture, by the way. Swears he must have met you his freshman year here. He says you look freakishly familiar. The conversation stopped after I started singing: 'i've seen that smile somewhere before.' He seriously wants to like, take you out when you get back ... I don't even know why I am so disturbed by that.
I think I just feel like everyone has thier bestie and mine is in Armenia and I want you all to myself. You are all I have. Really. Even my 'best friend for the moment' Ryan isn't thinking of me- but of my friend who he's never met, and how he can use our friendship as a step to a future love connection. I feel so irritated. Alone. I realized that this deep longing I have for a boyfriend is really just a deep longing for a friendship like ours. I mean, let's face it, add a little testostrone in our combo and we'd be hitched by now. I feel like everyone has that and I'm just kind of left out in that blasted ER waiting room again. And I mean, I care enough about everyone to be there. But really? Doesn't someone want me to hold their hand and demand that the nurse hurry up? I'm sorry I'm venting. Actually- I'm not sorry at all. I need this. I'm going to take this privilege of our friendship, dangit. That's right. I'm letting it out. I'm not optomistic right now. But I am someones best friend. I'm your best friend. And you would plead with me to go back with you in the hospital, and make everyone else sit in the waiting room. Right? I haven't lost you yet, have I? You still think I'm worth the effort and the time, don't you? I don't know why I'm so upset. Probably because i'm not exactly using my fingers to count blessings right now. Honestly, I still get along great with Mandy and I don't know what I would do without her here. And Nathan and Jessica too. Really- it's not like I'm being treated badly but I NEED YOU. And I know the importance of what you're doing right now, and how distracting and tactless this email is to a missionary, but I remember that you wrote me a letter once that said that you like to pray because it's the only time you could feel like you were wrapping your arms around me. Anna, could shoot me one of those please? Because like a new friend of mine said today, hugs are seriously lacking in the Rexburg area. I love you. You are my greatest friend. I would ask for you to come in the back of hospital with me.

1 comment:

  1. Oh man do I ever know that feeling. I hate it. I have been feeling it a lot in the past year or two, well really since we left Rexburg believe it or not. Siiigh, oh to have a best friend close by. Who ever thought marriage would be lonely? I'm sure you'll know what I'm talking about one day, it feels like you do about Anna. I'm a BSU and UPS and Elder's Quorum widow, sigh. But at least I've got him right? I don't even know why I am continuing to rant in this comment. A simple "I've been/am there" would have sufficed, but I've already type it so I mind-as-well post it! (Sorry if this comment was a downer)
    Rainbow Winged Butterfly Puppies - did that help? ;)


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